Sunday, September 10, 2006

HOW I ALMOST BECAME A MOVIE STAR (PART III)

OK, so there I was in the casting director's office with one of my buck-toothed clones. The director said she wanted us to go outside into the hall and think of a sketch we could do by way of an audition. My heart almost stopped! Audition!!!???? I thought I had the job because of favoritism! What's this "audition" stuff!? We were supposed to knock on her door when we were ready to perform. I was shocked! Only ten minutes before I had the part sewed up because the star liked me...now I was expected to prove myself??? "Prove???" You mean merit!?? How could that be? How could the universe be so cruel!?

Out in the hallway I asked my clone if he had any ideas for a sketch. He said he didn't, that he'd leave it up to me. I frantically pieced together a story from old comedy ideas I had and I ran every bit by him . He OK'd each part in turn and when I asked him if he wanted to change anything he assured me that it was fine just the way it was. We knocked on the door and the director leaned back in her chair and said, "OK, entertain me!"
My clone had the first line so I waited a moment while he prepared. I was kind of proud of myself for coming up with such a funny opening line, something about a guy asking me if I'd mind watching out for him while he changed his pants in the middle of traffic. Finally the clone looked up gravely and slowly said the line from hell that I'll never forget........."Uncle Vanya, what were talking about is the inadequacy of society to meet the demands of self, and this inadequacy is revealed by the gardener's social maladaption, which can only be pointless, is that not true!?" I was white as a sheet. Self what?

With quivering lip I pretended he gave me the pants line and I said something like, "You mean change your pants in the middle of traffic? Why that's rather unusual isn't it?" the clone looked at me like I was crazy and replied with something about death being the root of all godliness. I was mortified, reduced to a quivering pile of jelly. The clone was quoting something from somebody like Chekov! It had nothing to do with what we agreed on! I was a dead man!

My knees started shaking and my whole body trembled. I couldn't remember any more pants lines. From what seemed like far away I heard the casting director thank us and tell us to send in the next two clones. Shaking like a blender full of rubber I turned and slowly dragged myself out the door. As I plodded barely conscious through the waiting room a bunch of clones studied my shaking and tried to imitate it. I paid no attention. I passed shaking into the parking lot and into obscurity knowing that I had just lived the worst day of my life.

Well, there's more but I have to be brief so I'll end it there. Now you know the story.

Story copyrighted by Eddie Fitzgerald, 9/10/06

19 comments:

David Germain said...

Finally the clone looked up gravely and slowly said the line from hell that I'll never forget........."Uncle Vanya, what were talking about is the inadequacy of society to meet the demands of self, and this inadequacy is revealed by the gardener's social maladaption, which can only be pointless, is that not true!?" I was white as a sheet. Self what?

With quivering lip I pretended he gave me the pants line and I said something like, "You mean change your pants in the middle of traffic? Why that's rather unusual isn't it?" the clone looked at me like I was crazy and replied with something about death being the root of all godliness.


Eddie, two rules of improvization are:

1. Never walk in with anything actually prepared.

2. Always take what is given to you. Never deny any suggestion.

Had you known those two rules back then, you would have passed your audition. Oh well. Maybe the next time Dom DeLouise tries to put you in a movie you can try this.

Anonymous said...

poor uncle eddie

Anonymous said...

You're a bettewr man than I, Uncle Eddie, 'cause I'd 'a' kicked ol' cloney's ass for sabotaging my audition!!

But that's just me...

Anonymous said...

Betrayed by a Chekhov spouting clone - you must have been beside yourself with fear!!

Anonymous said...

Only in Hollywood can you not be right to play you. Hollywood has always bitten the big one artistically, but it's been too busy sucking corporate cock for the past thirty-five years to ever put one in any of its pictures.

Harry S. Truman

Steve Schnier said...

THE FOOLS!

If they HAD cast you in the role, the movie would have been a hit!

Anonymous said...

Eddie, you were punked! The competition stabbed you in the back by handing you an improv that they knew would not play to your strengths. Likely ended up killing both your chances however.

I hate when someone sees a creative endeavor as an opportunity to backstab their way to the top. I don't think true creative spirits have that instinct.

So, did any one end up playing Doms sidekick?

I never saw the BLWHIT, never had any use for something with casting that close to a Smokey and the Bandit movie.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

David, Anonymous: Interesting thoughts! Now I want to go back and do it all over again.

Cartoonjoe: No need to rough him up! The gods took revenge for me! Dolly Parton wanted to add a couple of extra songs so they cut the dumb assistant out of the film! Ha!

The film isn't worth watching. I don't recommend renting it.

Shawn Dickinson said...

Whatta story!

I have nothing insightful to say. I just enjoyed reading it, and feel sorry about your embarrassement. You lead an intersting life!

Kali Fontecchio said...

David is right- when you are in a situation like that you have to accept whatever is given as truth, which sucked in your case but oh well!

I can still see your quivering cake lip- AHAHAHAH!

Anonymous said...

Off topic, but what's your opinion on James Woods? Do you think he's as good at acting as Kirk Douglass or no?

mantoe said...

uncy ed, you really know how to tell a story. i love your descriptions. you had my attention for 2 whole days. i went to work today thinking about the outcome AND contemplating renting that awful awful movie. it was played here (savannah GA) in the theatre but the name alone turned me off. im sorry you missed your big chance at easy money/women and stardom, but im glad that you kept your good name associated with quality entertainment.

Marc Deckter said...

Those buck teeth photos you spread across these three posts are great!

Anonymous said...

Aww, geez Uncle Eddie. What a lousy conflagration of events!

Lucky for us though. Had you gone on to be a super-fabulous Hollywood Actor we wouldn't have your fabulous cartooning talents to enjoy and blog about!

Anonymous said...

I always thought that that high-stepping dance Charles Durning does at one point in that wretched film looks like extreme poses only Eddie could draw. It's the song that ends with the lyric "...and lead the people on!" Or words to that effect. Did you storyboard that scene, Eddie? Or were Durning's high-kicking contortions coincidentally choreographed that way?

Anonymous said...

Okay, Umcle Eddie...I won't have the scallywag rouhed up. His kneecaps are safe...

FOR NOW...

mike fontanelli said...

Where can I adopt one of those buck-toothed doggies?

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anonymous: Some of the car dance was influenced by my stuff but Durney's execution was too conservative to make it play.

Anonymous said...

Durning's execution may have been conservative in 1980 but I'd like to see him try it now!